Inside My Head, Inside My Heart
by Monday1113
Summary: (Greenflame) Lloyd's feelings towards Kai are mixed up and conflicting. He loves him, and hates him at the same time. Warnings: Self-harm, failed suicide attempt, eating disorders


**Contains Yaoi. **

**Warnings: Contains eating disorders, self-harm, swearing, and suicidal thoughts/actions.**

**My life is going to disappear soon. So I ask: Do you notice me now, Kai?**

**Ninjago? Monday1113 owns nothing of the sort.**

* * *

I wish he didn't just stare at any girl who passed by that he thought looked cute when we were out to get groceries or some other stupid shit.

_'Just put back the stupid candy. You don't need it…'_

I really wish he was okay with me hugging him in public.

_'One more mile, I promise.' _

I really wish that he'd noticed the bandages that always showed when my sleeves rode up.

_'Look at yourself. No wonder he doesn't act like he's actually your boyfriend.' _

"S-shut up." I whispered, my knuckles turning white as my hand clutched the small knife. It wasn't that big of a step up from how my skin usually looked now. I was always pale. My veins were a lot more visible. It made some things easier. This was one of them.

"Lloyd?" My fingers twitched out of surprise, making the knife fall to the floor. Kicking the handle so it skittered behind the toilet, quickly rolling the sleeves of my pajamas down. Kai knocked on the bathroom door, and I flushed the toilet. Turning the faucet on, I began to wash my hands.

"Yeah, I'm in here. Give me a minute." Before I even finished the sentence, I could hear him walking away. "Nevermind..." I whispered, biting back the stinging tears that started to slip from my eyes. Cutting the faucet off, I fished the knife out from its hiding place. Wiping it against a towel, I rolled my sleeve up again, letting the gleaming edge tease my skin.

_'See why you need me? He says he loves you, but if he does, why would he pretend that nothing's wrong with you?' _Gritting my teeth, I let the knife dig into my wrist. it didn't take long for blood to start seeping out. I couldn't look up. I wouldn't be able to. _He'd _be there.

_'I always am Lloyd. You and I, we're exactly the same. I'm just better. I have better self-control, better looks, and my relationship with Kai is _perfect. _That's more than I can say about the two of you together...' _A single tear landed on my arm, mixing in with the blood that dripped out on the floor. I wanted to tell him that I didn't need him, but I knew I did. Without him, Kai wouldn't notice me.

_'You can't even cut yourself right. The goal is to let the pain out, not cut so deep you're going to bleed out!' _He screamed, and I looked down, surprised at the puddle that was spreading across my pants leg after the blood dripped off my arm. Dark red against light green. _'Get up! Damn it, you can't end us! Not now, not like this!' _

I got up, the world spinning violently. "H-" The word I wanted to say, the word _he _had told me to never say, unless it was to him. _'Say it you idiot!' _Everything was going grey, and I panicked. "Help!" I shouted, knowing it probably only came out as a low croak. "Help..." The ground slid out from under me, and my eyes closed. Footsteps pounded towards me, a hand shaking my shoulder.

_"Lloyd!" _It shouted. _"Lloyd, wake up! Damn it! Zane! We need help! Fast!"_

* * *

Of course, it would have been too simple for me to have just died there.

I had woken up a few hours later in a hospital bed. An IV had been hooked up to my arm, giving me blood. The other arm where my cut was had been tightly bandaged. _'I didn't lose that much blood. They should've given it to someone who needs it...' _

"Lloyd," My mom muttered, and I realized she was sitting in a chair next to me. "My sweet baby boy, why did you do this to yourself?" She looked like she had cried recently. I couldn't even tell what it was that she was referring to, me cutting myself, or starving myself.

_'You're such a failure.' _He said, perched on the foot of the bed. Arms and legs perfectly skinny. _'You never even made it as far as you could have.' _I watched as he walked over to the door. _'I'll be back though, just say when.'_

* * *

I tried ignoring him, along with everyone else. They had moved me to another floor. One that was for people like me. Not mental, not suicidal, but people with eating disorders.

My parents didn't understand as I sat in the wheelchair, stuck there. They wouldn't let me up, something about me weighing too little. _'I was just starting to make progress!' _They weren't going to let me go home once I was "better" by their standards. My parents were accepting brochures that advertised places to shove kids who were diagnosed with "eating disorders", ones that they proclaimed would "fix" me. I wanted to laugh. No one could fix me, especially when I'm not even broken.

The bed was right next to a window, and I sat there, picking at the tape that held the IV in my skin, watching a storm rage outside._'They must have drugged me. Probably gave me something that makes you less willing to escape or do anything.' _I thought.

Part of me didn't expect Kai to show up, an apologetic smile on his face as he handed me a card. "It took me forever to get in here."

I didn't answer him, my fingers tracing the edge of the envelope. It was weird, as in hospital safety proofed weird. Instead of having a flap that I'd have to rip, it was a Velcro closure. "They wouldn't allow normal envelopes, so I had to borrow this from them."

Opening it, the Velcro gave a satisfying ripping sound. I pulled out the light yellow 'get well soon' card. There was a cartoonist's drawing of a bunny on it, like it had been designed for small children. Opening it, I read Kai's large, slightly sloppy handwriting. It too was childish, fitting perfectly with the card.

_'Lloyd,' _It read. _'I freaked when Jay was holding you. I feel like if I hadn't been trying to deny the fact that I liked guys, as well as girls, then I would have noticed how much you were hurting. No, that's not right, I knew you were hurting, and I did nothing to help you. I want to make it up to you, but I don't know how. Maybe once you're all better, we can start over.'_

He hadn't bothered to sign his name, almost expecting me to always remember that this was his handwriting. Setting the card down on the cart by my bedside, he took the envelope. "So..."

Kai's attempt to start a conversation failed. Excusing himself, he left. I was alone again. _'Wow, what a great lover you are.' _He said. I clenched my fists, and grit my teeth.

Steeling myself, I prepared myself for the rain of brutal criticism.

_'God, you're so stupid!'_

_'Can't you see how the IV is already making you fatter?'_

_'All that work, down the drain.'_

His words cut at me more than the knives did, because his words cut at my _heart_, at my _soul_. Not at my skin like the cuts I had made. He knew all of my weaknesses, all of my insecurities.

He knew because he's me. He knew everything that made me tick, because he knew what was going on inside my head.

* * *

**I have no idea if I'm going to continue this or not. This really was just an outlet so I could release some of the demons from inside of me.**


End file.
